Small Circles
20 Letters: #18
This is the eighteenth instalment of a series, 20 Letters, where I share letters I wrote and sent via the post, throughout 2020 and 2021, to people in my life. Read more here.
Dear SM,
Surprise! One of my many goals for 2020 is to write and send 20 letters. This is letter #18. Each of my letters has had a different theme; thus far, I’ve written about music, moving, taking risks, fear, and reinvention, among other things. It’s been therapeutic to write letters, an extension of the journaling I’ve done since I was little, as well as a novel way to connect with 20 people in my life, some of whom I haven’t spoken to in years. Recipients have included my former Painted Birds bandmate and still close friend, an ex-girlfriend, and some special people I crossed paths with when I was a touring musician.
This year has forced everyone to examine their lives and re-evaluate what’s important. I’m pretty self-aware and self-critical in normal times, but 2020 has been especially reflective for me, too. One of the things I have reflected on is how, in my twenties, I thought I had so much figured out. As I get older, the more I discover and appreciate life’s uncertainties and mysteries. One great mystery to me, probably the one I think about the most, is friendship. Why do we connect with some people and stay connected to them, whereas the vast majority of people are only in our lives for a fixed, fleeting, forgettable time? There’s no way to predict the timing, strength and length of a connection with someone. Moving from Windsor to Vancouver and then London has put tremendous strain on my past relationships. People I assumed I would be friends with for life vanished after I moved away. Out of sight, out of mind, I guess. Conversely, acquaintances I had in school have unexpectedly re-appeared in London and become some of my best friends. As someone who needs to understand things, to observe patterns and form connections and justifications in my mind, this is one of the most bewildering aspects of life. I’m nearly 38 now, so perhaps I’ll never figure it out. Have you?
